Bubblegum Pink | a soft & rambling writing re-introduction

long time, no speak - to myself, really. i’ve been thinking a lot about my hesitation to write the last six (more?) years of my life, despite it being such an integral part of my childhood. writing was my passion when other kids were passionate about dolls, cartoons, and freeze tag (okay fine, i loved freeze tag, too).

as a pre-teen and teenager, writing became more than just a hobby; it was, as many before me have said, an outlet for things I couldn’t or wouldn’t understand for years to come (still don’t!) and suddenly, it all stopped.

there wasn’t a day where i realized i could no longer write, and i certainly didn’t think of it in terms of a numbness, a loss of ability to put feelings to thoughts to words. in hindsight, and with the knowledge i possess now after months of reading & self-observing, i think i silenced myself out of the fear of what i may find. i stole my own voice in an attempt to protect myself of my internal world, then robbed me not only of a hobby, an outlet, but of understanding.

it was at this time that i thought all writing (and most media in general), poetry especially (which has always been a particular favorite style of mine), was cringey (okay Gen Z-er, judgy much?), that no one had anything new to say, especially me.

anyways, enough of the depressing pre-amble. the point is, i have done some serious, though unexpected, work the last few months which has pushed me out of my stagnancy, for better or for worse. for two years now (three?) i have envisioned my podcast, not qualified for this, as my passion project, despite it never getting its three wheels off the ground. it almost goes without saying that this podcast rose from the ashes of my forgotten true crime pod from high school which, unsurprisingly had three more episodes than this pod has ever had - so far!

but, we’re doing it folks. we’re doing it. after reading numerous books on trauma theory (hello, ‘body keeps the score’ and ‘when the body says no’ - um, am I really going to get MS from this shit?!) and doom-scrolling for hours until i stumbled upon similar ideas there, a spark re-ignted. not for writing, not at first, but within myself. this came parallel to some major therapy breakthroughs AND, not unrelated, following my long-overdue ADHD diagnosis accompanied with drumroll please… being properly medicated!

the diagnosis and medication lifted the fog from my brain just enough for me to poke through and see what I was working with and DAMN, it kinda sucks out here sometimes. but, in the wake of this, i have not only been able to begin sorting out the current of my world, i have found renewed purpose in hobbies both old and new.

first, it was yoga; easily swayed by a spiritual-psychology (psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology or something, according to the author) novel, i decided to give it a go. i competed and coached gymnastics off and on as a teenager (I wavered on even the strongest of my passions) and had long struggled for a physical release that felt the same - tennis and swimming were cool, but not the same.

i quickly took to it and am trying not to get too in-over-my-head, pun intended, since i have a habit to dive too quickly in the undertow. not to pat myself on the back too much (though my therapist says i should do that more, so actually to pat myself on the back), it has been almost three WHOLE weeks now. i even went to two yoga classes BY MYSELF despite extreme anxiety and a strong desire to jump ship. the journey is still unfolding, but it’s looking good. the sun is rising.

then, a voice in the back of my brain, long silenced by itself, spoke up — “you have something to say.”

then, a voice in the back of my brain, long silenced by itself, spoke up — “you have something to say.”

“YES!” i thought. “FINALLY! what is it?”

the voice didn’t answer for a while, and then i realized i am that voice, and i can just do the thing even if i can’t immediately make out the words or the message or the meaning. the meaning is you’re doing it. how else does a voice learn than to be spoken to?

there have been other monumental things and people and moments in this journey (not to mention before the healing part began), but those are tales for other currents.

regardless, i have things to say! i have things to say about yoga and weed and psychology and spirituality and reality tv shows and horror movies and pop culture and just about anything that gets brought up in conversation.

i have things to say & i once again yearn to hear the voice of myself and others, to admit that maybe everyone echoes each other in the end, but maybe that’s exactly the point.

i’ve been paying a lot of mind to the theory that we are all a projection of consciousness, that it created in an attempt to better understand itself.

so if you’re here, you’re part of the echo. and i’m so glad you are. float on, everyone. we’ll chat soon.

so if you’re here, you’re part of the echo. and i’m so glad you are. float on, everyone. we’ll chat soon.

This post was originally posted on Substack.